Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Two Months

Two weeks ago I was just getting settled into Tennessee.
Two weeks out of the year we take a work trip to Tennessee for our show. While I wish that it was a relaxing time, it's really a bit stressful. Working eleven days straight, five of those being twelve hours or more, it takes a little toll on your body. Thankfully, we have this week off to recover and get back into the way things were before we left.

During those two weeks of being away from home, it finally caught up with me that my mom isn't here anymore. It finally felt like it just hit me all of a sudden, that breaking feeling, where there's nothing you can do to stop it. I cried a lot while I was down there, most times were alone in my room at the cabin, but there were times that it even happened during the show. I would be talking with another woman about her mom that she lost not long before mine passed away, and I would just break down. Like uncontrollable tears.

I keep thinking of the phone call from my friend during my mom's showing days, she kept saying that she couldn't believe how strong I was being through all of this.
No, I'm not.
I'm not strong. I put on a front for people and I hold things in.
I will admit that these days it's getting harder to do.
But I don't want to break down in front of my dad because I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to break down in front of my friends or strangers who tell me they're sorry, because there's nothing they can do that's going to help. No matter how many plans I have set or how busy I keep myself, there's still the end of the day when I'm in my room, alone, and I'm not able to concentrate on anything else. I'm still going to have that empty feeling no matter what. And I don't think it ever goes away, I think things get better and we mask that emotion. I know that she's in a better place, and I love her for that, I'm so proud of her for taking that next step, but it's still hard knowing that my mom isn't here for things that I need only her for.

I remember last year during the show, her calling or me calling home to update her on things that were happening. While I was down there, I found the voicemail she left me last year while I was gone. It was hard knowing that I couldn't just pick up the phone to call her and tell her how my day was going.
My dad isn't a chatty person, and we're kind of awkward when we talk about things, so it was hard to even call home the few times that I did to update him.

I haven't even been back to her grave site since the funeral or to the tree that was planted in memory of her. I almost feel like I can't do it yet. They're things that I need to do though.
Every time I drive by the two hospitals she spent most of her time in, I cry and have this immediate hatred for them. I know they didn't do anything wrong, but it's still that feeling of knowing that those were the last places she went.

It might be strange, but mom was maybe home three months out of this year, when she passed away dad wanted to have the hearse drive through the neighborhood, just so we could say she was home one last time. And that's what we did. The hearse actually pulled into the drive way and we enjoyed a good five minutes of welcoming her home.

The two month mark is coming up on Saturday.
Tomorrow I'm doing something in remembrance of her.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

saying goodbye.

two weeks ago tomorrow, my favorite woman in the world left me.
i can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to watch a family member pass away, but how do you sit and wait for the woman who has been your rock for twenty four years slip away? there's no answer for that. it's the hardest thing i've ever had to go through, the hardest thing i will ever go through.

my mom was my best friend.
she helped me through the high school drama, the homesickness that i felt when i moved to chicago, there for me when my other best friends weren't. she watched me cry over the most ridiculous things and helped me laugh my way through it.
i would not replace a day i had with this woman.

mom was a fighter.
she fought for four years.

three weeks ago we were given two to three weeks with her, that went down to three to five days when we moved her to hospice on friday, september 13th. on sunday, september 15th, we were told two to twenty-four hours. things were going down hill fast.

around 4:00PM on the 16th i had a major break down.
i cried for an hour, non-stop.
around 4:30 i told my dad that i didn't think i could come back the next day because i didn't like seeing her the way she was.
he told me it was fine to do that, that it was my choice on how i wanted to say goodbye. 
so i decided i wasn't going back and i asked dad to have some time with her to say goodbye.
the nurse and pastor actually suggested that we leave her alone for a while, because sometimes people just want to pass alone and not have everyone around, so everyone agreed that we'd leave her alone for the night. at 5:15 all of the family went home except my dad and i.
he mentioned that he was going to pack up the car while i spoke with her because he wasn't going to stay the night with her. i kind of freaked out at this, just thinking of completely leaving her alone made me sad and i cried some more. i didn't want her to die without anyone being there with her.
so my dad left me alone to speak with her.

i told her that we were going to be fine without her.
i told her that i didn't know where grandpa, who passed 21 years ago, was, but wherever he was taking her she needed to follow him.
i told her how much i loved her and how much i would miss her.
i told her that she better not haunt me since we watched ghost adventures together (mostly because i forced her). as a joke.
i told her that if she was going to leave us that she needed to do it that night because i wasn't coming back the next day.
i'm pretty sure i told her i loved her more than ten times.
and then i told her to stop fighting.

she took a deep breath, and then i yelled at her.

i yelled at my mom, probably the only regret that i have.
but she needed to hear it.

i told her to stop fighting it.. and she did.

i leaned down to kiss her.
and i told her how proud i was of her.

it hits me at times that she's not here and won't be here for things in the future. and i cry when those times happen. whether it be in the car on the way to work, in my room at night, while watching tv, and just on saturday when i cried in hobby lobby and in the parking lot of michael's. it still just feels like she's at the hospital and hasn't come home yet, even though we've already gone through the funeral and everything. 

its going to be hard, but we're also going to get through it.
because that's what you do in life, you move on, you say goodbye, and you see them again.

the hardest time is when i listen to this song..
justin moore's, one dirt road.

this woman will forever be on my mind and in my heart.
i'll see you again, mom.
i love you.