Two weeks ago I was just getting settled into Tennessee.
Two weeks out of the year we take a work trip to Tennessee for our show. While I wish that it was a relaxing time, it's really a bit stressful. Working eleven days straight, five of those being twelve hours or more, it takes a little toll on your body. Thankfully, we have this week off to recover and get back into the way things were before we left.
During those two weeks of being away from home, it finally caught up with me that my mom isn't here anymore. It finally felt like it just hit me all of a sudden, that breaking feeling, where there's nothing you can do to stop it. I cried a lot while I was down there, most times were alone in my room at the cabin, but there were times that it even happened during the show. I would be talking with another woman about her mom that she lost not long before mine passed away, and I would just break down. Like uncontrollable tears.
I keep thinking of the phone call from my friend during my mom's showing days, she kept saying that she couldn't believe how strong I was being through all of this.
No, I'm not.
I'm not strong. I put on a front for people and I hold things in.
I will admit that these days it's getting harder to do.
But I don't want to break down in front of my dad because I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to break down in front of my friends or strangers who tell me they're sorry, because there's nothing they can do that's going to help. No matter how many plans I have set or how busy I keep myself, there's still the end of the day when I'm in my room, alone, and I'm not able to concentrate on anything else. I'm still going to have that empty feeling no matter what. And I don't think it ever goes away, I think things get better and we mask that emotion. I know that she's in a better place, and I love her for that, I'm so proud of her for taking that next step, but it's still hard knowing that my mom isn't here for things that I need only her for.
I remember last year during the show, her calling or me calling home to update her on things that were happening. While I was down there, I found the voicemail she left me last year while I was gone. It was hard knowing that I couldn't just pick up the phone to call her and tell her how my day was going.
My dad isn't a chatty person, and we're kind of awkward when we talk about things, so it was hard to even call home the few times that I did to update him.
I haven't even been back to her grave site since the funeral or to the tree that was planted in memory of her. I almost feel like I can't do it yet. They're things that I need to do though.
Every time I drive by the two hospitals she spent most of her time in, I cry and have this immediate hatred for them. I know they didn't do anything wrong, but it's still that feeling of knowing that those were the last places she went.
It might be strange, but mom was maybe home three months out of this year, when she passed away dad wanted to have the hearse drive through the neighborhood, just so we could say she was home one last time. And that's what we did. The hearse actually pulled into the drive way and we enjoyed a good five minutes of welcoming her home.
The two month mark is coming up on Saturday.
Tomorrow I'm doing something in remembrance of her.